Something You Ain’t Got: Journal Of A Closeted Tranny

Well, this piece is more about crossdressing than transsexuality, but I still relate to a lot of it, so I’m reprinting it here.

It’s from My Fem Place.

Friday, March 20, 2009
Overwhelmed

I don’t know how everyone else is doing. But if I had to sum up my life these days with one word, that word would be “overwhelmed.” It gets pretty crazy in girl world, doesn’t it? I was in the closet for so long. Then I was an online girl. And I was always looking forward to the day (night?) when I’d finally start going out. I thought that that would be a huge accomplishment for me (and it was!). I thought it would be fun (and it is!).

I just didn’t know how exhausting it would be! (And I don’t even get out that much.) I think I’m like a lot of other cd’s and tgirls. I’m married. I have a family. I have a career. I have friends. And they all need and deserve my attention.

But this girl thing. It just slowly starts to take over your life. In a good way. (I think.) It has made my life so much more enjoyable. So much more satisfying. So much more sensual. But it sure hasn’t made my life easier.

At a time when I should be watching every penny, my femme life asks me to spend more. At a time when I need to be really focused on my job, my femme life distracts me. At a time when my friends and family deserve my attention, I am drawn to a whole new set of friends.

And the two lives are frustratingly separate. Neither side really knows much about the other. For instance, if something nice happens in my femme life, I have virtually no one in my “straight” life to discuss it with. Because I keep my CiCi life private. Conversely, if something good happens in my guy life, I can’t really tell anyone in my femme life, because I’ve protected my privacy. So I end up with no one to share the good times or the bad times. There is no crossover between the two.

And I have no one to blame but myself. I could come clean to both sides. And maybe some day I will. I’m just not ready to make that move yet. So I’m left hanging in between two worlds. I’m in “no man’s land.” (LOL. Now isn’t that an ironic twist of a phrase for someone struggling with gender issues?)

Not long ago, a very dear friend asked me what I would do if I really felt free to pursue my femme life. And I was stunned by the question. I realized that that the idea of freedom was totally unthinkable to me. I’d never really considered it. I mean, I fantasize all the time. I’m going to run off to Vegas and become a show girl. Some sugar daddy is going to scoop me up and I’ll spend my days flying around the world from resort to resort. Or a kinky mistress is going to enslave me and keep me in her own personal dungeon.

Nice fantasies. And I’m sure you have some equally amazing fantasies of your own. But what if it was real? What if you really could pursue your passions – without fear of losing your friends and family? Without fear of losing your job? Without fear of losing your wife or girlfriend? Then what would you do?

What would you do if nobody cared? Imagine for a moment that crossdressing wasn’t seen as such an odd lifestyle. What if dressing like a girl was no different than having a tattoo or being pierced – not the norm, but certainly acceptable behavior by today’s standards?

Obviously we’d all dress more. But would you go full-time? Would you go to work dressed? Would you want to? Would you spend time with your “straight” friends in feminine mode? Attend cocktail parties in slinky evening gowns? Would you go shopping and dining out or to parties or to stand in line at the DMV in girlie mode?

Would you do the things you enjoy most en femme?

I’m picturing myself at Dodger Stadium in a micro mini and stiletto heels. But would I ever really do that? Would you? I hope you would. And I hope I would too. But then I realize that that fantasy – the fantasy where the world accepts crossdressers like us as normal members of society is as far-fetched a fantasy as the sugar daddy or the dominatrix wife. Maybe even more so.

I hope that’s changing. I hope that sites like this one are gradually helping to make this harmless lifestyle more acceptable to the world at large. But even more, I hope sites like this are helping you feel more accepted by your own self.

Wow! As I look back over this blog, it seems a little depressing to me. And it wasn’t meant to be. I think crossdressing (and crossdressers) have come a long way in the past few years. And I think we’ll go even further in the next few.

And I am having fun – despite feeling like I’m being pulled in two very different directions. I’ve met so many other girls out there who are going through the exact same things I’m going through. And they’ve all been so supportive to me. So kind. So willing to let me – often a total stranger — vent or discuss or whine or share or cheer or laugh or cry. I know there’s a lot of cattiness out there in girl world. Plenty of petty jealousies and thoughtless slights. But when I think about how nice everyone has been to me and how close we all are as sisters, I get kind of misty-eyed. And once again, I am…

…overwhelmed.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!
xoxo,
CiCi

posted by CiCi Kitten at

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I have to admit that I haven’t done much “womanly” lately.

There’s a few reasons for this.

One is just money! I don’t have money right now to do anything as a guy or a gal! But to do anything as a gal, I have to go out of town, and right now, I can barely afford gas just to do things in town!

But even so, I used to see guys discreetly in town – and I’ve pretty much quit doing that too.

The main reason for that, I have to admit, is that I just got fed up with the guys.

Okay, I couldn’t see the guys very often because I have my daughters most nights.  But I would call and let them know when I was free.  And I would call a couple of days ahead.  And rarely, if ever, did I get a response until that night.

And then they expect me to already be all dressed up and ready to go! Like I’m going to all that work when no one has said anything to me!

I mean if I was living full-time as a woman and didn’t have to hide my transsexuality, I would be dressed up as a woman.  But if I was dressed and had to run to the store, or just wash clothes, I’d have to take everything off and dress up as a guy again!  Too much trouble, thank you!

All this reminded me of when I was in denial and dating women. I wondered why they kept going on about what a nice guy I was.  I mean I think I’m fairly, but lord knows I have my faults. My ex-wife and ex-girlfriend could give you a long list!

And the way women went on about what jerks men are! I thought they were exaggerating.

Well they weren’t. Men are big jerks! And now I see why women thought I was so wonderful! Compared to a lot of the men out there, I was wonderful!

So anyway, the only time I play a woman now is when I get horny and go to the virtual world of SecondLife to get some sex.  At least, the guys there show some interest and send me plenty of messages!

There, I feel like I’m respected, as well as desired and wanted.  At least, the guys there try to set times with me and work with me on getting together, which is more than the guys in real life are doing!

Sure, cybersex isn’t as much fun as real life sex, but when there’s this much less hassle and more input from the guys, I’ll take it!

Tweetwasters told me, “Only 0.83 hours? You do know there’s a social networking revolution going on, don’t you?”
I’ve wasted 2,970 Seconds or 50 Minutes or 0.83 Hours or 0.03 Days with 99 Tweets on Twitter! http://tweetwasters.com
@dee_pntx – LOL, I thought you said “boogiegasms” 🙂 Was thinking how gross that was! http://tinyurl.com/9q9v8d

I always thought that would be so cool!
@dee_pntxhttp://tinyurl.com/8cas8u – Yeah, when are they going to start penis and vagina transplants?

merry christmas from the vatican! – http://tinyurl.com/9hpgbz
@dee_pntxhttp://tinyurl.com/9tu3st – that was just disturbing! 🙂
i feel so guilty, spent over $200 on female winter clothes for me – didn’t spend that much on my daughter! 😦
Dee_pntx@ClosetedTranny Henna is a natural hair color that will give you red hair, if you do it right
@Dee_pntx – what’s a henna treatment?

Dee_pntxsneaking up on 4 hours of 6 of my henna treatment….. Not nearly as bad as people make it out to be
even batboy is against prop 8! – http://tinyurl.com/5taxo7
what is this stripper friday?
@Dee_pntx – you’re at 1666! i’m at 85! of course, this is my trans twitter page, got 100’s on my male persona’s page! 🙂
totally spaced off my therapist session – and now i have to go to traffic court at the time of my support group – and i missed the last two!
@aftermarketgirl – i absolutely love pandora. if it were a guy, i’d marry it!

Though this reprints two blogs, I did use this for a journal entry a couple of years back. The two videos are two songs I included with my journal entry. I also repeat a lot of what I said in the blog entry, Transsexuality And Being Out.

This first blog, FTM Straight Talk, is apparentally no longer around.  At least, I couldn’t find it.

The second blog is from The Transadvocate, but the blog and the post no longer seem to be there.

The second is in reaction to the first.

FTM Straight Talk: I have no moral obligation to be “out”, to engage in “trans activism”, or to be “visible”.

Imagine walking up to every black man you see, and asking him, “What are you doing for black people? Don’t you know you owe it to your forebears to advocate for black causes, to make your voice heard?” Imagine telling him exactly what he should be doing, exactly what issues he should care about.

Now imagine walking up to each and every woman, and telling them that to really be a true, honest, good woman, they should be members of specific women’s organizations, they should donate to specific women’s causes. And if they don’t, for instance, support pro-choice candidates, or live in a woman’s commune… then obviously, they’re not thankful for the work of women’s rights activists in the past.

No matter if they disagree. No matter if they do their own part already to contribute to their local community or to humanity generally. No manner if they actually already help black people or women, but not in the way you want them to. You would walk up to them and tell them exactly what they should do and how, just because they are black or are women.

That is NOT the way to build community or empower anyone. It is no better than telling them what they’re not capable or worthy of for not being white, not being male. No better than telling the woman she ought to be a housewife.

So why do transgender and transsexual people think they have a right to tell me what I should be doing? Why do they think they have a right to proclaim that I am “wrong” for living a stealth life? Why do they think that if I’m not shouting their specific chosen slogans from the rooftops, and if I don’t present myself in acceptable gender-rebel garb, then I must not be “thankful” for past advocates of transsexual rights?

I am stealth. I am becoming less and less engaged in the so-called “trans community”, and I am not at all involved in “GLBT community”. I contribute to human community. I volunteer and contribute my time, effort, and even money to causes not at all related to transsexuality. Yet because I don’t tow the party line, a lot of “trans” people seem to think I’m bad, immoral, unethical.. that I’m a disgrace to all “trans” people. Because I live stealth. Because I don’t fit into their “community”.

I call bullshit. I’m not going to let these academic, activist-minded “trans” people tell me how to be a Good Transsexual. I’m not interested in being a Good Transsexual, or in being part of their community. I’m interested in living my life with integrity, being there for my family, friends, and (local) community. The incessant judgment just needs to stop!

Posted by thoughtsonftm at 11:31 AM

my comments…

Well, I can’t say too much here without being very hypocritical.

I hide my transsexuality and live as a male even though I’m a mtf transsexual. I do this because I could lose custody and visitation rights to my daughter if I followed that path.

If I was idealistic, I would fight the good fight so others in the future don’t have to go through what I’m going through.

But I’m selfish, I don’t want to risk losing my daughter.

But it eats me up to do this, because I DO believe we should be out. And the only way we are going to get society to accept us is show we’re out there.

I DO think by hiding it, we reinforce the shame that people put on transsexuality. But I suppose not everyone can handle it.

So in the end, I guess I’m confused. 🙂 But I think being out in better than hiding. And I can’t wait until my daughter is 18 and I can live freely.

thoughtsonftm said…

(This was in reference to other comments besides mine.)

Now. I’ve noticed a lot of people have been using the language of “shame”, “hiding”, and “closet”. I believe that transsexuality in my case is a medical condition, and that my right to privacy over this issue mirrors the right of any person with ANY medical condition to maintain their own bounds of confidentiality and comfort. More importantly, it does NOT define my identity– my identity is male, and I’m not hiding that one bit! There are many more significant things about me as a person than my medical history, and I treat it as the non-issue it is in my life today. I may make a post in the future to expand on this point.

Also, I deeply respect and am grateful to those “out” transsexual people who choose to advocate for the cause of transsexuality through lobbying legislators, attempting to change policies with their own employers, etc. Even better when it addresses the needs of the most vulnerable transsexual people– those who are homeless, very young, very old, or in prison, to name some populations. I think it is very praiseworthy for some people to take intelligent, well-considered action to help other people dealing with this medical condition. But I do NOT think that every person afflicted/blessed (depending on how you see it) with transsexuality has a moral obligation to do this kind of work. I choose to put my energy and my talents into other areas of advocacy and support, for other communities of which I am a part.

Thank you, again, for your comments.

My Big Mouth:Closets Are For Clothes, Stealth Is For Planes

Marti Abernathey | September 9, 2007 |

Recently, I read a blog post about an FTM complaining about being judged by other transgender people about living “stealth.” To those of you who feel the need to live secretly, I say this; if you wish to live your life in a closet that is your choice. But don’t be surprised when I judge you for this. For as long as folks with passing privilege hide in their closets, there will be a stigma attached to transgender people because they will be defined by those that don’t or aren’t trying to pass. By being stealth, you’re shaming yourself and those who are like you. If you want to do that, be my guest.

I don’t think you bad, immoral, or unethical for living a “stealth” existence. I would say you’re a coward and delusional, if you think that you can live stealth in today’s world. There’s ALWAYS a path back to your birth gender, so you’re about as stealth as Valerie Plame.

There is no integrity in hiding. There is no integrity in shame. You don’t like that judgment? Tough shit. Those of us that choose to be out by choice get judged daily. But we do so, because we know that the people that know and love us will have hearts and minds changed because of us. Because of them knowing us. If you aren’t moving us forward, you’re setting us back. You don’t like that? Go hide in your closet.

my comments…

Marti, though I agree with you generally, some people do have good reason to hide their past.

I, for example, can’t come out or live as a woman, because I could lose custody and visitation rights with my child.

I admit I’m being selfish. If I was more idealistic, I would risk the lost so others in the future don’t have to. But I’m not. I’m selfish and I want my daughter in my life.

So I have to assume that maybe others have reason for not admitting their transsexuality. I look forward to the day when my daughter is 18 and I can be open and honest about who I am. Though admittedly that is like Nancy Reagan supporting abortion after Ron left the presidency.

But the reasons why people hide it are many and varied, so it may not hurt to cut them a little slack.

Marti Abernathy’s comment…

You’re not stealth, the same vein as what I’m speaking to here. I’m speaking to those that have transitioned and went into hiding.

I’ll now bare my scars, and let you see inside of my scarred heart. I’ve paid the price you’re afraid of. I’ve not seen my daughter in 5 years (she’s 11 now). I’m not allowed to see her because her mother has access to a bankroll and an attorney while I’m barely making it with my son. I do understand your plight and I’m not judging anyone that hasn’t transitioned. If we all hid, we’d never move forward… and our own children’s kids (who might be trans) will live with the same fears. If my daughter will know one thing about me, it’s to live your truth. Never be shamed by simply expressing your own ideas and feelings. If there’s one thing I want her to know, it’s the beauty and wonder inside her is nothing to be ashamed of.

my comments…

I would say that I am like the transwomen living in stealth. They pretend to be nontranssexual women to hide the fact that they are male-to-female trassexuals. I pretend to be a nontranssexual man to hide the same fact. It’s just what we’re pretending to be that’s different.

I must say I admired for going ahead and transitioning. You’re a better person than me. And I hope you get reunited with your child before too long!

Marti’s comments…

I hope so too. Thanks for your kind words. I really wasn’t trying to stir the shit with this post. I’m just rather tired of people bitching about how poor stealth transpeople are being mistreated by out transpeople.

Bottom line is that I didn’t lose one lie, to gain another. I like me, I’m pretty damn fantastic.


I’m going to write about a controversial subject here.  And one that pretty much makes me a big hypocrit.

I’m talking about whether transsexuals should be open about who and what they are.  And, quite frankly, I think they should be.

By hiding it, we’re saying transsexuality is something shameful and embarrassing.  That there is something wrong with it.

The truth is that people won’t deal with it and accept it until they have to.  And they won’t have to until we are open about who and what we are.

It’s a lesson that the gay community, rape victims and cancer patient have shown.  And only by being open and “out there”, did people come to terms with them.

So do I believe that transsexuals should be outed?

No.

I still believe in privacy.  I think it’s wrong for them to hide it, but it one chooses to do so, that is one’s choice.

And I’m certainly in no position to tell them to come out, hiding it as I do.

So this is where I have to face facts.  I am being selfish and hypocritical.

I’m saying transsexuals should come out, but hiding my own transsexuality.

If I lived by what I believe in, I would come out even if it means losing my daughter.

I should be out struggling to have access and visitations rights despite my transsexuality.  Using my struggle, so that people later on won’t have to hide their transsexuality to see their children like I do!

But I am selfish.  I’m not that altruistic.  I want to see my daughter regularly, and I refuse to let anything get in the way of that.

So, in the end, although I believe we should be open and “out there”, showing people “we’re queer and we’re here”, I hide deep in the shadows, reinforcing the view that there’s something wrong with being a transsexual.

okay, transtwitters, let’s all join the group and show we’re queer and we’re here! – http://twittgroups.com/join…
@aftermarketgirlhttp://tinyurl.com/56u9u7 – too funny! i was an altena-nerd in college – i knew people who looked like that!

@syrlinus @Dee_pntx – we already have an informal one here, where we pretty much follow one another! 🙂

@syrlinus – maybe we oughta start a transgender group – http://twittgroups.com/grou...

SyrLinus – I just joined the Twitter Group http://twittgroups.com/group/cigars and you can too. Please Retweet.

Dec 7, 2008 07:26 PM GMT

But it is quite flattering! 🙂 Like I have time for a serious relationship, when I can only be a gal on the few nights that I don’t have my daughter!

It’s so weird, 3 guys that I’ve just done booty calls with – now want to have more serious relationships with me.

Oh, sorry, here’s a link if anyone is wondering about the dresses – http://tinyurl.com/5mkfk5! If you can wear them, count your blessings!

@penguirl – Those are great revenge dresses – if your figure can pull them off! Mine and my belly could NOT!

@penguirl – i thought everybody wanted that outfit she wore at jabba’s place!

@penguirl – thanks for the nice words on my blog!

now christmas is keeping me too busy to blog! ugh!

My twitter grade was higher than I thought it would be – considering I don’t get on here that often!

@closetedtranny got a Twitter Grade of 52/100 from @grader. See: http://twitter.grader.com/c…

tanithgirl@ClosetedTranny *blushes* Aww, your just saying that. 😛

@tanithgirl – i think you look pretty in proportion too!

After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that I am the transgender equivalent of a bi-sexual.  Bi-gendered perhaps?

What do I mean by this?  I’m not 100% sure myself.

For a long time, I lived my life as a straight male.  Being a big nerd, I wasn’t the most successful at this, but I did have a few dates and managed to get a couple of girlfriends.  Was even engaged for a few years.  And managed to marry another girl, though that did end in divorce.

But since a young age, I did dress up in woman’s clothes.  So there was obviously something going on.

I tried sleeping with other males.  And although it was pleasant, it didn’t excite me half as much as sleeping with women.

When I masturbated – which by the way, I didn’t start doing until I was in college.  I never came until then.  Of course, that’s when I started dating!

But when I did masturbate, during the early years it was to women.  After I tried guys, I would sometimes imagine sleeping with them, sometimes crossdressers, but still mostly gals.

It wasn’t until I slept with a guy dressed as a gal, that I thought, oh okay, now we’re getting somewhere.

And when I started SecondLife, a virtual reality game, I used my female avatar a lot more than my male avatar.

But I still did, on occasion, use my male avatar and have sex with females.  Though mostly I slept with guys using a female avatar.

And for the last few months, in real life, I have slept exclusively slept with males dressed as a woman.

And lately, after going to a support group for my transsexuality and seeing a therapist regularly, I’ve noticed my male side coming out more.

Maybe it’s because of the support group and therapy?  Now that I’m feeling more comfortable dealing and facing my female side, it’s time to face my male side again.

I have noticed myself looking at women and thinking what a nice butt they have.  Funny enough, sometimes shortly after that, I wonder how I would look in their outfit!

And I find myself flirting back with women flirting with me.

And there’s a big flirt I’ve met on the twitter site for my male persona.  I have to admit she’s hot.  And I’ve found myself for the first time in ages, masturbating to the idea of having sex with a woman with myself as a male.

Of course, that puts the question of where am I? What exactly am I going to do?

Well, I always said, that if I had to, I could live as a male, but I thought I would be happier as a female.  I said the ideal would be if I had a switch, so I could flip back and forth at will, but that I thought I would spend more time as a female.

And I think that’s still true.  Most of my masturbating is still to the idea of a guy sleeping with me dressed up and treating me as a woman.

The idea of a guy interested in me as a woman still excites me more than the idea of a gal interested in me as a man.

So when I become a woman, will I miss being a guy? Sure. I have no doubt.

But I knew that before.  There are some nice things about being a guy.  But I’m still sure that I’d be happier as a woman.

I think I just have to face the fact that I might miss being a man more than I thought.

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