Something You Ain’t Got: Journal Of A Closeted Tranny

Well, this piece is more about crossdressing than transsexuality, but I still relate to a lot of it, so I’m reprinting it here.

It’s from My Fem Place.

Friday, March 20, 2009
Overwhelmed

I don’t know how everyone else is doing. But if I had to sum up my life these days with one word, that word would be “overwhelmed.” It gets pretty crazy in girl world, doesn’t it? I was in the closet for so long. Then I was an online girl. And I was always looking forward to the day (night?) when I’d finally start going out. I thought that that would be a huge accomplishment for me (and it was!). I thought it would be fun (and it is!).

I just didn’t know how exhausting it would be! (And I don’t even get out that much.) I think I’m like a lot of other cd’s and tgirls. I’m married. I have a family. I have a career. I have friends. And they all need and deserve my attention.

But this girl thing. It just slowly starts to take over your life. In a good way. (I think.) It has made my life so much more enjoyable. So much more satisfying. So much more sensual. But it sure hasn’t made my life easier.

At a time when I should be watching every penny, my femme life asks me to spend more. At a time when I need to be really focused on my job, my femme life distracts me. At a time when my friends and family deserve my attention, I am drawn to a whole new set of friends.

And the two lives are frustratingly separate. Neither side really knows much about the other. For instance, if something nice happens in my femme life, I have virtually no one in my “straight” life to discuss it with. Because I keep my CiCi life private. Conversely, if something good happens in my guy life, I can’t really tell anyone in my femme life, because I’ve protected my privacy. So I end up with no one to share the good times or the bad times. There is no crossover between the two.

And I have no one to blame but myself. I could come clean to both sides. And maybe some day I will. I’m just not ready to make that move yet. So I’m left hanging in between two worlds. I’m in “no man’s land.” (LOL. Now isn’t that an ironic twist of a phrase for someone struggling with gender issues?)

Not long ago, a very dear friend asked me what I would do if I really felt free to pursue my femme life. And I was stunned by the question. I realized that that the idea of freedom was totally unthinkable to me. I’d never really considered it. I mean, I fantasize all the time. I’m going to run off to Vegas and become a show girl. Some sugar daddy is going to scoop me up and I’ll spend my days flying around the world from resort to resort. Or a kinky mistress is going to enslave me and keep me in her own personal dungeon.

Nice fantasies. And I’m sure you have some equally amazing fantasies of your own. But what if it was real? What if you really could pursue your passions – without fear of losing your friends and family? Without fear of losing your job? Without fear of losing your wife or girlfriend? Then what would you do?

What would you do if nobody cared? Imagine for a moment that crossdressing wasn’t seen as such an odd lifestyle. What if dressing like a girl was no different than having a tattoo or being pierced – not the norm, but certainly acceptable behavior by today’s standards?

Obviously we’d all dress more. But would you go full-time? Would you go to work dressed? Would you want to? Would you spend time with your “straight” friends in feminine mode? Attend cocktail parties in slinky evening gowns? Would you go shopping and dining out or to parties or to stand in line at the DMV in girlie mode?

Would you do the things you enjoy most en femme?

I’m picturing myself at Dodger Stadium in a micro mini and stiletto heels. But would I ever really do that? Would you? I hope you would. And I hope I would too. But then I realize that that fantasy – the fantasy where the world accepts crossdressers like us as normal members of society is as far-fetched a fantasy as the sugar daddy or the dominatrix wife. Maybe even more so.

I hope that’s changing. I hope that sites like this one are gradually helping to make this harmless lifestyle more acceptable to the world at large. But even more, I hope sites like this are helping you feel more accepted by your own self.

Wow! As I look back over this blog, it seems a little depressing to me. And it wasn’t meant to be. I think crossdressing (and crossdressers) have come a long way in the past few years. And I think we’ll go even further in the next few.

And I am having fun – despite feeling like I’m being pulled in two very different directions. I’ve met so many other girls out there who are going through the exact same things I’m going through. And they’ve all been so supportive to me. So kind. So willing to let me – often a total stranger — vent or discuss or whine or share or cheer or laugh or cry. I know there’s a lot of cattiness out there in girl world. Plenty of petty jealousies and thoughtless slights. But when I think about how nice everyone has been to me and how close we all are as sisters, I get kind of misty-eyed. And once again, I am…

…overwhelmed.

Take care out there.
Be safe. Be smart. Be sexy!
xoxo,
CiCi

posted by CiCi Kitten at 3:12 PM

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